


But A Moirail Knows It All

by incendiarydissension



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dream Bubbles, F/M, Meowrails
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-20
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2017-12-20 20:22:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/891459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incendiarydissension/pseuds/incendiarydissension
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>:33< i guess it started right after we both died<br/>:33< equius was mad, really mad, and it was scary<br/>:33< that was when i realized that he had to stop<br/>:33< i had to stop him<br/>:33< or he would wreck efurrything!<br/>:33< i'm just a teenage girl with some problems of my own<br/>:33< but, you see, he's much more impurrtant than i am!<br/>:33< i mean, what would you do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in a dream bubble, a few weeks after Nepeta and Equius died. (I forgot to put this on my fanfiction.net description oops)
> 
>  
> 
>  **UPDATE OF SORTS!!!!** : frankly, I view my writing skills as abominable at the best so I took a break. it didn't work very well but I'm working on it, promise

When the banging started, she was upstairs on her computer. Typing quickly in reply to Terezi, who had assumed the role of the righteous mother dragon, she was about to have her character save a kitten from the cruel grasp of Senator Lemonsnout when suddenly...

_BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!_

Nepeta stared longingly at her blinking cursor, sighing sadly at the thought of all the good stories that could stem from this chat.

AC: :33< *ac rushes in and snatches the kitten from the grasp of the wicked mr lemonsnout, then turns tail and dashes away from the courtr-

_BANG BANG BANG SMASH!_

UGHHHHHHHHHH!

She held down the delete key, resigned to the fact that she wasn't going to be finishing this chat. Her halfway typed response vanished.

AC: :33< i think i have to go!

Resting her chin in her hand, praying nothing would get cracked or (heaven furbid!) completely destroyed while she paused, she waited for her roleplaying partner to reply.

GC: WH4T? YOU H4V3 TO L34V3 4LR34DY?  
AC: :33< i think something is wrong with my meowrail :((  
GC: OH :P  
GC: 1 TH1NK YOU H4D B3TT3R GO DO SOM3TH1NG B3FOR3 H3 BR34KS YOUR 3NT1R3 C4V3

Frowning at Terezi’s aggression, she pushed away from the computer and stood. She padded softly down the stairs, all the while imagining the scenarios that she and Terezi could have played out. She paused before the hallway ended, knowing that when she continued walking and turned the corner into the open room where she stupidly kept a lot of breakable items, there would most likely be a lot to take in.

_SMASH BANG BANG BANG BANG CRASH._

With these sounds, the floor shook- literally shook, making her stumble and fling an arm out to catch herself against the wall.

_Okay, fine._

"Equius?" she called out quietly as she approached the room, but the sounds of destruction covered her voice so it seemed as if she hadn't spoken at all.

_All right, buster, you asked for it. Purrpare for chaos to ensue. Well... stop ensuing._

Taking a deep breath to prepare herself, she turned the corner.

"You broke my black ink bottle!" was the first thing she heard herself say.

The two lampshades that she had found and decorated herself were lying on the floor, next to the shattered glass from the lightbulbs. The supposedly "damage-resistant" sofa was lying upside down, halfway supported by the crumpling table. The peeling wallpaper had been partially scraped off of the wall by the rectangular mirror that was now flat against the floor like it was praying to be saved from its imminent doom. As she watched, a spray of dirt, clay, and colorful petals flew across the room and ended the short existence of the mirror. Her gaze traveled from the pieces of reflective glass to the bent ceiling fan that was no longer attached to the ceiling, and eventually came to rest upon the remainder of the destroyed flower pots that had been, until this moment, carefully maintained by her housemate.

Said housemate was standing near the opposite wall, back hunched in the posture that meant he was in another one of his moods. Nepeta made careful note of his position. Knees bent slightly, hair swinging in wild knots around his neck. Those absurd socks rumpled around his ankles. In his left hand he was holding the mangled remains of a violin, and in the other-

"Oh! No, no. Equius," she said, voice higher in pitch than she had intended. She shook her head rapidly, hurrying up to his side and grabbing the fist wrapped around her precious belongings. She flinched slightly as she felt his skin, cold and slightly damp in that familiar way. "No. Stop. Please? Let go of my paintbrushes."

He made a noise deep in the back of his throat. It was a kind of growl, the type of sound that her lusus used to make when she spotted prey.

_This isn't normal_

_This is bad bad bad bad bad_

She growled weakly back, not sure why, but with the feeling it would help somehow. Then she began to inch around him, trying to get in front of him so she could face him.

"Drop. The. Brushes."

He stared at her, tightening his grip on both the violin and the brushes. She felt all the tendons in his hand stand out, his skin tight around his knuckles. Through her alarm, she heard a faint cracking noise.

_Oh no oh no oh no not the brushes god dammit why why_

Shifting her weight so that she stood steadily on both feet, facing him, she put her hands flat on his shoulders and stared into his eyes until he dropped his gaze. Underneath her hand she could feel his muscles unclench as he dropped both the violin and the paintbrushes.

His back was heaving as he breathed in-out-in-out, the way she'd taught him, and she could tell he was struggling to regain control of himself again.

His eyebrows knotted in an expression that could have meant anger or concentration. Abruptly, she felt his muscles tense again. She started and took an involuntary step backwards.

_Relax relax he won't hurt you he's fine and whatever is wrong can be fixed it's fine fine fine fine fine_

Standing in the quiet aftermath, waiting for Equius, Nepeta didn't dare let her thoughts wander. Just in case he needed to break something else.

Eventually her heartbeat slowed and her uneasiness was replaced by aggravation.

_He broke the brushes._

_Why does this always happen?_

"Are you okay?"

The quiet voice broke through her thoughts. She looked up to see that Equius had straightened, his own posture more casual and neutral than her own. When she straightened her spine, she realized her own fists had been clenched and her feet dug into the ground, muscles tense just as his had been.

"Yes." Her voice cracked as she spoke, and she had to stop and clear the emotions that were too apparent from her throat. She needed to be calm for him. Calm and collected.

_In-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out._

_You got this._

_Rogue of heart, remember?_

"I'm fine," she said.

And then, after another, shorter pause-

"Feelings jam?"

He stared around the room, taking in the broken mirror, the flipped sofa, the smashed light fixtures.

"Um-"

He swallowed. She knew he hated to see the damage he always did. He never cared when it was the robots, or even his own walls. But when it was her own belongings, he seemed to feel that he had hurt her.

"Yes, Nepeta. We should have a feelings jam."

He set to work moving the sofa back, and as his back was turned to her, she removed and dropped her waistcoat to cover the splintered paintbrushes that he had scattered on the floor.

_Doesn't need to see those yet,_ she thought, ignoring the lump in the back of her throat.

Then she looked up to see him already sitting, waiting for her.

_Okay. Feel that ball of emotions? Take it and put it somewhere where you can find and deal with it later. Right now, all you need to focus on is him._

Taking a breath, she went over to sit near him.

"Let's begin."


	2. two

They were facing each other, each with their back propped against an arm of the large sofa. Nepeta tucked her feet underneath her, curled comfortably between the arm and the back of the dark leather. Equius sat cross-legged, back bent so that his elbows rested on his knees and his head was propped in his hands.

_That's the pose he does when he knows he's done something wrong._

Equius' fingers were in his hair, his glasses resting in his lap so she could see his eyes. He looked up at her.

This was the silent part. The part where he could reflect on what he would say to her when she questioned him. The part where she did her analysis.

_Frustration, agitation, shame, anger, disappointment._

_He's in bad shape._

Nepeta looked towards the ceiling with the intent of preparing herself, but had to look away at the sight of wires hanging down from where the fan used to be. Suppressing a shudder, she looked back at Equius. He had drawn his legs and arms in more, and seemed to have shrunk. Okay, enough analysis. Time to get into the deep stuff.

She took a deep breath, mostly to break the silence.

"Okay. Are you ready?"

He glanced up at her from under his eyelids, but didn't move. After a substantial silence, he nodded.

"What is my name?"

He glared at her, but they both knew the simple questions were just as important as the ones that came after.

"Nepeta Leijon."

"What is your blood color?"

"Indigo."

"What's my blood color?"

"Olive."

"What's Aradia's blood color?"

"Indi- er, burgundy."

He always stumbled at that one. She put that away in the corner of her brain that contained her mental shipping wall.

"What about Gamzee?"

He made the agitated sound that he always did when Gamzee was brought up.

"Purple."

They continued in this vein for a while, the simple questions going back and forth as easily as breathing. When they first started the feelings jams, she used to ask what had happened first. It proved to be a bad decision.

Preferring not to dwell on that just now, Nepeta paused in her questioning to allow Equius another chance to gather himself.

"Alright. What were you feeling when you decided to... wreck stuff?" she asked him.

His voice was soft, back to normal. That quiet trembling that was always in the back of his words sent chills down her spine. "I was feeling frustrated. Angry. Er..." he paused. "Disgusted. By myself."

Then he wasn't angered by someone else. It was his own actions.

"How did you feel about yourself?" she said.

He paused. This was always a difficult part for him.

"I felt like a failure. I will never know how to do anything... gently. I-" He stopped suddenly and straightened his back slightly. His hands, now free of the weight of his head, clenched into fists. Then he sank down again, arms now on his thighs, shoulder blades pressed together. His fingers began to work a pattern into his palms. His head was so low that his hair hung onto the leather of the sofa cushion.

"I loathe myself."

The calm in his voice was forced, and the tremor that was usually hidden behind it was now brought to the front. Nepeta tried to remain in the same position, wondering frantically if he was about to lose himself again...

_Hell no. Not if I have anything to do with it._

"Equius. Be calm," she ordered him. He shrugged.

_Don't shrug!_ That was the sign of indifference; the _I don't care one way or another_. "Breathe with me. Okay? In. Out. In. Out. Lengthen your breathing."

She saw his entire body go limp against the couch. _Good, good. Keep him there._

Her own voice was shaking now. "Now isolate those feelings."

He looked up at her sharply. She couldn't help it; she flinched back, startled, and then immediately regretted it. Equius saw the motion and seemed to flatten.

"Isolate them?" The voice seemed to come from behind him this time. It was so thin and lifeless, Nepeta wondered if the voice was from someone else standing on the other side of him.

She was getting encouraged now, having an idea of what to do.

"Imagine all of your feelings. Gather them in a ball. And then..." she grabbed either side of Equius' face and tilted it up so he was looking her in the eye, "SMASH them!"

He looked up at her heavily. Inhaled. Exhaled.

Then he looked back down. "How am I supposed to smash them when smashing things is what I'm trying to stop?"

"Because you can control it."

His voice had come back to normal. "E-excuse me?"

"This way, you know you have control."

She paused, thinking. "You can take the- the violence you always feel... and you can be dominant over it. You can be STRONG." She tried to say it the way he always did. Not changing the volume, exactly. It was something about the tone. The assertiveness.

Then Equius drew himself up. He looked at her, face filled with confusion and determination.

"I need something to break." he said, quite calmly.

"Wh-what?" Nepeta stuttered.

"I need to destroy something, but... I need you to be there."

Standing on the sofa so that she was just barely taller than him, Nepeta considered this.

_This is his way of controlling himself, I suppose..._

"What about your robots?"

"They're all at my respiteblock."

_Oh. Duhhhhhhh._

"Okay," she said. "I'll think of something."

It fell silent then. Equius relaxed back onto the sofa, staring at the hole in the ceiling.

_So strong, but so delicate. He tries to hide it, but-_ and she had to suppress a smile- _he can't hide anything from his meowrail._

_Now what can he break?_

_Ah._


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, I'm sorry this took so long. I've been really distracted and keep forgetting to post chapters. if you want to read more chapters you can go ahead and read them on my ffn account.

"Come on."

She grabbed his hand. At her touch, his skin grew clammy. "Where a- what are we doing?" he spluttered.

She reached into the spare bedroom and grabbed a towel, tossing it behind her as she pulled him out the cave door. Bewildered, he blinked at the last remaining rays of the blistering Alternian sun as he draped the towel over his shoulders, the movement natural and automatic. They stumbled down the makeshift path that they had built together to make it easier to get down from the doorway to the ground. Nepeta spread her arms in the cooling air.

"Well?"

"I... forgive me, Nepeta, but I don't believe I quite-"

"The boulders, silly!" They absolutely littered the outside of her cave. She'd been getting tired of them anyway; all they did was sit there and block up the ground.

Equius walked wordlessly up to one of the rocks and laid his right hand on it. His fingers splayed out across the cool surface. The boulders were round, around twice as tall as him, and numerous.

He stood there for a moment, with his arm straight out in front of him and his palm against the stone as though it was the muzzle of one of his hoofbeasts.

Then he drew his left fist back and struck the rock, hard. Cracks splayed out from the place where his hand has contacted the stone. Again his arm went back, and again his clenched fist contacted the boulder. It was oddly methodical.

Meanwhile frantically disorganized thoughts danced through Nepeta's head.

_Why did I tell him to punch a boulder? What if he hurts his hand? Or his arm?_ Knowing Equius, she had proof that he wouldn't stop punching boulders until he either tired of it or he badly hurt himself.

But the other half of her knew that he needed this. He needed it to discharge his emotions. She remembered what he had said in the cave. _I loathe myself_... that phrase had gone straight through her chest.

The boulder crumbled as Equius hit it one last time. Awed and worried simultaneously, Nepeta watched with her mouth slightly open. Then he turned to her, wiping his forehead. She couldn't help but notice the streak of blue blood that his knuckles left on his face, but she ignored it as he approached her.

"Feeling better?" she asked.

He sighed. "Feeling relieved."

He didn't seem to notice the thin trails of blood leaking down his middle three fingers and thumb, nor the streak of blue that was now drying across his cheek and forehead. She made a mental note to tell him to wear his gloves next time. Grabbing the hand that wasn't bloody, she guided him among the fragments of rock back inside her cave.

"Okay. Now tell me what happened."

They seated themselves back on the couch. This time they were facing opposite directions, back to back. Nepeta's feet rested on the arm of the chair. She felt his hair tickling her neck, but resisted the urge to brush it away.

Seconds ticked by as he gathered his thoughts. Then he began.

"A few days ago, before I came to your respiteblock, I had a nightmare."

He paused, probably recalling the dream. A smile crept across Nepeta's face. He might be a skilled builder, able-bodied, and quite intelligent, but he was an awful story-teller.

"I had a dream that I... hurt you. We were on Derse together, and I was angry for... some reason..." His voice faltered. Nepeta's eyebrows knit as she listened.

"And then you-" He seemed to choke on his own voice. She felt the muscles in his back contract as he swallowed and rested his face in his hands again. She half-turned, almost expecting him to stop talking entirely, but he continued, his voice only slightly muffled.

"I don't think I'll- uh, if you... I mean-"

He was getting sweaty again. She frowned, shook her head. "Skip that part, then."

"When I woke up... I decided I needed to do something. About myself. I realized that I should learn how to do something that was productive, instead of destructive. Surely that would change my nature."

"Oh, Equius," she said softly.

"What?" he asked.

_Uhhhhg my heart hurts_

"Nothing. Keep talking."

"So I decided to learn how to play an instrument. Since you can keep learning songs even after you know the instruments, I could keep distracting myself forever."

His shoulders moved up and down as he breathed. She felt the muscles in his arms and back, and his shoulder blades pressing against her, framing her neck because he was so much taller than her. All at once she realized that she was the only one who knew him like this. The only things everyone else saw were his obsession with archery, his odd fetish for the caste system, his gross perspiration problems. They couldn't know how he deeply cared for them, the lengths he would go to to protect them, his dorky incapability of understanding just how touching he could be. Being his moirail wasn't only pacifying him and keeping him from wrecking everything. It was knowing him, better even than matesprits know each other, perhaps being even closer than a troll and their lusus.

"You don't need to change," she told him.

A sad, deflating heh.

"The trumpets were made of flimsy metal. I crumpled them by accident. The flute just made a thin noise, even though I blew as gently as possible. I couldn't make it sound good.

"And then," he growled, his words suddenly sharp and clipped, "I tried the violin, and the strings snapped in half as soon as I touched it. And the bow."

"The..."

"Mmmh- the bow. The one you use to play the-"

Nepeta started to laugh. It was a bad idea, especially just after he'd been punching those boulders, but she couldn't help herself.

"What?" he demanded loudly.

"You broke-" she gasped, "-another bow."

He made that noise again; the one in the back of his throat. She stopped laughing immediately. She could feel his body shaking with frustration.

He resumed talking, and the tremor was back. "I realized..."

Opening up, letting the feelings spill out- that was the most challenging part. He kept his emotions under a shell, trying to hide them from the others, and they only showed when he was angry. She wanted to urge him to go on, but couldn't seem to talk. Instead, she inhaled hoarsely and shivered, thinking again of the paintbrushes.

He must have felt her shaking, because the next thing he said was "Sorry... I'm so- I- I scare you..."

What? No no no no... you don't underst-

"I realized- I just- break-" He shuddered. "everything."

Nepeta sat straight up, taking her weight off of Equius, as he stood and violently punched his own palm.

"Can't- do- anything- without- breaking- it-"

He looked back at her, and that was when she realized there were tears- actual, literal tears- falling from beneath his glasses. Then he abruptly turned away and quickly, with an air of forced calm, walked out of the doorway again.

It felt as though her stomach dropped out. The dizzy feeling of having hurt him made her want to collapse on the ground. She suddenly understood how Equius felt when he snapped out of his rages only to find he'd destroyed her home. It was a peculiar feeling, somehow managing to feel like both nothing and everything at once.

She wanted to put her head on the top of the sofa and sob in sympathy for the pain he felt, and the terror of hurting someone you loved. To know she was capable of such a thing was the worst thing she'd ever felt.

But instead she drew herself up. She never tried to hide her emotions, unlike him, but she had the distinct feeling that right now, Equius' were more important, just as they had been earlier.

_Pull yourself together and help him through his own problems. You're the psychiatrist, the Heart in this relationship. You can deal with your problems yourself._

_You can do this._

_In. Out. In. Out._


	4. four

When she stepped out of the doorway, the two moons were shining just above the horizon. The stars peeked out from behind a thick black veil. She would have stopped to admire the constellations, but Equius was below, demolishing boulders with that same methodical chaos.

Free from him watching her, she allowed herself to tremble briefly with fear; he was just so powerful and so out of control. If he wanted to, he could probably have killed every one of them when they were all on that meteor. The raw power in his hands made her cringe.

Not wanting to watch him eradicate the boulders, but not knowing what else to do, she fixed her eyes upon the ground under his feet. It was dark enough to be eerily quiet, but not quite so much as to hide the remnants of boulders that scattered about his feet.

This time she couldn't stop him. She didn't want to stop him. He had to exhaust himself, or he wouldn't be able to sleep.

Being his moirail was proving to be the hardest thing she'd ever done. It was like holding on to her lusus as he dashed across the grass, barely able to keep hold of him. And if her hand slipped, she knew he would keep running until the whole world stopped and stared. Sometimes she wished it was more balanced, that they could both talk together instead of just him. But she knew that he was the one who the scale must tip towards. It felt as though she was being held underwater.

She took off her hat, held it out in front of her. It was threadbare with the wear of three sweeps. Although she washed it constantly and gave it constant care, it was beginning to fall apart. She swept it to her chest and hugged it close. Curling up on the ground, she let the rhythmic pounding lull her to sleep.

When she awoke, it wasn't much darker than it had been before. The two moons were both almost full, casting their colored light onto the ground and giving everything shades of purple and green.

Eventually she became aware of the noise. Or rather, lack of noise- had he finally finished? It was too dark to see properly, but too light for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. She padded over to where she thought he was, breathing quietly and hoping it was over. Then her foot hit something solid, and she tripped over something and fell flat on her face.

"Ufff!" she gasped, and reflexively curled into a ball, holding her hand to her chin. The scrape didn't hurt yet. It was taking a while for her brain to realize that she was hurt. She knelt, feeling behind her for what had tripped her. Her hand found something soft and folded, and with a start she realized it was Equius' shirt.

_Guess he gets tired after punching all those boulders._

_Must have caught up to him..._

She smacked herself on the forehead.

_He just KEEPS getting angry. He cycles through these... these mood swings. Almost CONSTANTLY. I can't stop him. I can't calm him. I can't do enough! And it's DRIVING ME INSANE!_

Sighing, she slid her hands underneath his sleeping body and lifted him into her arms, trying to remember the days when she had carried around her lusus like he weighed no more than her computer. She shifted his weight onto her back, realizing he was too tall and lanky to carry in that silly bridal position. His head lolled back and his mouth opened slightly, glasses sliding up his forehead.

Affection bubbled up in Nepeta's chest. How could she possibly stay angry at him? He needed her. He relied on her, so no matter how difficult their moirallegiance had become, she would refuse to give it up.


	5. five

When Equius woke, disoriented and confused, he immediately banged his head on the side of Nepeta's recuperacoon. Rubbing the now sore spot on the side of his head, he frowned and tried to remember the vague happenings of the day before.

Try as he might, though, the only parts he could recall consisted of himself and Nepeta talking on the couch. He also seemed to recollect a rhythmic pain in his fist.

Looking down at his left hand with more interest than pain, he examined the various bruises and scrapes from whatever had happened yesterday. They were familiar, but not in a comforting way. Then he groaned and looked up to the cave ceiling, a vague sinking feeling in his stomach.

_Has it happened again?_

Shaking off the remainder of the sopor as he climbed out of the recuperacoon, he nearly tripped over the sleeping form of Nepeta. She was curled on the floor, her hat clutched tightly in her fists. Her face twitched with some nightmare as he watched, not sure whether to wake her.

_Did she sacrifice her peaceful sleep for me?_

_Of course she did._

He stared at her, feeling unsettled by her willingness to give up her comfort. She just cared too much.

Even bracing himself for the sight that he knew would greet him didn't fully remove the shock of seeing overturned flower pots, shattered mirrors, and that long scrape in the wall. Sighing at the rather familiar sight, he set to cleaning everything up.

After the shards of mirror had been picked up, the flower pots swept outside, and the wallpaper stuck back on the wall as well as he could manage (he was no housekeeper), he knelt on the floor and began to put back the unbroken mugs.

As he moved across the floor, putting things back on shelves where they belonged, his hand brushed her olive green waistcoat.

—

Nepeta woke suddenly from a very unsettling dream. She rubbed her eyes as she tried to remember it, but as nightmares usually did, it slipped away.

She checked inside the recuperacoon, but of course he was already up. Equius was the kind of person who liked to wake at the crack of dawn, although she couldn't imagine why.

Then she padded down the hallway, practicing walking silently. When she turned the corner, she was surprised to find that much of the room had already been picked up. The shards of clay were gone from the corner, and the rip in the wall had been shoddily patched. And there was Equius, on his knees, collecting the spilled teacups, of which (thankfully) only two had broken.

Then he approached her waistcoat and her eyes widened.

Equius was about to lift the waistcoat when suddenly, from behind him came a scuffling noise. He just barely had the chance to turn when—

_:33 ULTRA PAWER SUPER-FURIENDSHIP TACKLEPOUNCE!_

How he managed not to scrape his back on the rough floor of the cave when this happened was always a mystery.

"Are you feeling better?" she demanded. He sat up, trying as gently as possible to knock her off of him. Rubbing the back of his head, he nodded ruefully.

"I… can't begin to apologize for my lack of control," he began, trying to choose his words carefully, but Nepeta just rolled her eyes and shook her head, silencing him.

"Don't be silly. I'm used to it!"

Trying not to be hurt by this slip, he gave her a hand stood for a moment. He was staring at his feet, shoulders limp and arms crossed loosely, trying not to get emotional, and she was peeking to the side of him, feet squared, still looking at her waistcoat.

"Speaking of such…"

He knelt and tried to pick up the coat, but she shook her head almost frantically, grabbing his arm and leading him towards where she kept her teapots.

"C'mon, let me make some tea."

_Hmmmph_

"Fine." You win this time.

She led him to the fireplace (she had no stove) and put the water on boil, busily getting out the honey and tea leaves. While her back was turned, she continuously talked to him.

"I've been thinking, and you know what I think you need to do? I think you need to learn how to do things that you need to concentrate hard on. You could teach yourself how to program, like Sollux! Or learn to draw! If you apply yourself, it will help you stay calm."

"Uh-huh," he mumbled. Back against the wall, arms and legs crossed, he tried to tune out her chattering.

"And I figure, as soon as we figure out why-" she turned to him and frowned at his sulky position— "you overreact so much- we can find a way to stop it!"

"I don't exactly overreact…" he said, but stopped at her skeptical look. "Uh- well," he muttered.

She turned around again and went back to talking, the clatter of teacups distracting her again. Her voice faded in and out like a badly tuned radio station. He wasn't really paying attention anymore.

_Just… try not to think about anything._


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to mess with styling a bit later. until then, the pesterlogs will be weird. sorry bout that, guys!

The tea always took forever to boil when she used the fire, but there really was no other choice. She poured the tea into each of their cups, carefully filtering out the tea leaves, and put a spoonful of sugar in her own cup, filling Equius' up to the brim with milk, the way he liked it.

"Tea's ready!" she pronounced cheerfully, but when there was no response, her face changed from careless to annoyed.

When Nepeta turned around, it was quiet and dark in the corner where he had been standing. She froze, eyes widening, and then rushed out of the kitchen.

Thankfully, the living room was empty, her waistcoat still bunched on the floor. She crossed the floor and picked it up. Seeing the splinters of wood scatter across the floor sent a stab through her chest, but she knelt and gathered them up, placing them gently in one of the coat's large pockets.

_Siiiiiiigh_

_What will I do to continue my shipping wall?_

Well, that wasn't going to be fixed anytime soon, especially if she just stood there.

"Equius?" she called softly. There was no reply. _Well, what did you expect? Him to come bounding into the room throwing glitter all over?_

She set off to find him, trying not to overturn the house and mess up the carefully organized rooms. She was generally a very everywhere at once sort of person, but Equius had a habit of constantly cleaning up her messes. She wasn't entirely sure why, as his own hive was less than orderly. But she did know it was pawsitively purrecious! :33<

A smile came to her face. Surely he was just building a robot somewhere or something. Who knew? He did disappear an awful lot.

His tea was getting cold.

She crossed to the doorway, looking out at the sun. Although it wasn't nearly as bright as the real Alternian sun (merely a copy), she had to shield her eyes, and then she ducked back inside, her skin starting to tingle from the heat.

_There's no way he can be outside._

_So…_

_Hmm…_

Before she could think too much about her missing moirail, her computer let out a loud alert, indicating that someone was trying to get her attention.

Frowning, she went to sit at her desk and noticed that her Trollian application had popped up and was blinking at her.

 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] started trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

GC: *TH3 F13RC3 DR4GON SWOOPS B4CK 1NTO TH3 COURTROOM, R34DY TO 3ND TH3 R3C3SS*

GC: *4R3 YOU R34DY? GROWLS TH3 F34RSOM3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR*

AC: :33< ugghhhhhh

GC: :?

GC: OK4Y 1S SOM3TH1NG S3R1OUSLY ST1LL WRONG W1TH SW34TY MCSW34TP4NTS

GC: 1M G3TT1NG R34LLY T1R3D OF TH1S

AC:< :33 theres not anything wrong with him

AC: :33< um… not anymore

AC: :33< well, i dont think so

GC: 4R3NT YOU SUPPOS3D TO B3 1N TUN3 W1TH H1S 3MOT1ONS 4T 4LL T1M3S OR SOM3TH1NG

GC: 1SNT TH4T WH4T 4 MO1R41L DO3S

GC: SOM3 W31RD M1ND R34D1NG SH1T OR WH4T3V3R

AC: :33< noooo

AC: :33< thats not what its like at all!

GC: W3LL TH3N WH4T 1S 1T L1K3?

AC: :33< well…

AC: :33< try to imagine being on a dragon

AC: :33< a really slippurry dragon

AC: :33< and it keeps changing direction very suddenly

AC: :33< so just when you think you have a grip on it it slips away

GC: SOUNDS PR3TTY 1NT3NS3

GC: 1S 1T R34LLY TH4T H4RD?

AC: :33< well it purrtainly is with equius

AC: :33< big dumb angry dumb dumb face >:((

GC: HMMM

GC: 1 N3V3R 4CTU4LLY THOUGHT MO1R4LL3G14NC3 TO B3 TH4T CH4LL3NG1NG

GC: 1 4LW4YS THOUGHT 1T W4S MOR3 LOV3Y DOV3Y D4NC3 1NTO TH3 SHOW3RS OF SP3C14L ST4RDUST SORT OF TH1NG

GC: 1 GU3SS 1 DONT R34LLY G1V3 YOU 3NOUGH CR3D1T

AC: :33< yes it is very hard work!

AC: :33< but it pays off to help him

AC: :33< he might me a big silly goof who wrecks things and likes hoofbeasts but hes my meowrail! :33

GC: Y3S HOW 4BSOLUT3LY B34UT1FUL

GC: LOOK 4T M3 1M CRY1NG 4CTU4L T34RS H3R3

GC: SO TOUCH1NG SOB SOB

AC: :oo< i think you talk to dave too much

AC: :33< he is affecting you with his irony!

GC: *4C R3C13V3S ON3 THOUS4ND RUMPUS D3M3R1TS FROM TH3 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR T34M FOR R3M4RKS 4BOUT GC'S P3RSON4L CONV3RS4T1ONS!*

AC: :33< aw

AC: :33< *ac looks very disappointed and sad at gcs cruel dictation*

AC: :33< ughhhhh!

AC: :33< i cant roleplay! im too worried!

GC: OK4Y R34LLY WH4T D1D H3 DO TH1S T1M3

AC: :33< i dont know! he went off somewhere and now i cant find him!

GC: COM3 ON JUST W41T FOR H1M TO COM3 B4CK 4ND TH3N SCOLD H1M W1TH YOUR SHOOSH P4P POW3RS OR SOM3TH1NG

AC: :33< but i dont know what kind of trouble hes going to get himself into

AC: :33< what if he gets hurt?

AC: :33< uuuuuugh!

AC: :33< i n33d to look fur him again

AC: :33< bye!

GC: W41T DONT GO 1 H4V3 NOTH1NG 3LS3 TO DO

GC: 1 H4T3 B31NG STUCK 1N TH1S STUP1D DR34M BUBBL3

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC]ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

GC: D4MM1T

 

Nepeta pushed her chair back, letting it spin around several times before standing up. Equius never let her do that.

Feeling slightly bad for leaving Terezi hanging, but knowing she was making a big deal like usual, she left the cave. There was no other place he could be.

The sun seemed to pierce her skin with its blinding rays. Luckily there were trees near her cave, and she headed towards the shade, feeling relieved when she reached the cool and dark.

"Come out! Equius?" she called.

There was no reply.

Couldn't he at least TRY to make it easier for me?

"EQUIUS! GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE THIS INSTANT!"

_Rrrrraugh!_

Storming through the woodland, Nepeta angrily kicked a rock into the air.

"Lousy goddamn STUPID MOIRALLEGIANCE!" she screamed.

Then there was quiet. The leaves rustled gently against her skin as she trembled, energy gone. Then she sank onto the ground, palms flat against the dirt.

She jumped as a gentle hand touched her back. Spinning out, wildly swinging her hands— who knew what was out here— she readied herself for an attack.

"Nepeta."

_Auuurrrgrrhhaaaah!_

"You think-" she shouted- "you can just leave while my back is turned, and go gallivanting into the sunlight while I panic!" She was directly in his face, standing on her toes to try to reach his height.

"Do you have any idea how much I worry about you?"

He looked down at her. "Stop."

"Our tea is probably getting cold by now! You probably won't even finish it, will you?"

"Stop that," he demanded.

_"BLRAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHH!"_

"Nepeta, stop it. I order you."

"You can't ORDER me! I'd like to see you TRY!"

When he made a motion towards her, she tried to slap his hand away, but missed. He grabbed her and lifted her off the ground. Outraged, Nepeta kicked at the air as he carried her back towards the cave.

"Let me go!" she shrieked angrily.

"You're acting incredibly childish," he snapped, letting her down onto the couch. She sprang up, ready to lecture him more, but he crossed his arms and stared at her until she slowly sat back down, glaring at him resentfully. He picked up the tea from where she had placed it on the table and quietly handed her her own mug. She gripped it hard, ignoring the bittersweet smell of tea and looking hard at him.

"I believe… there's something you want to tell me," he said with resigned weariness.

She opened her mouth, prepared to launch into a full tirade about how he shouldn't worry her like that— when she looked down at his hands, holding his cup of tea, and saw them streaked with blue blood.

She felt the direction of her mood shift instantaneously, and fiercely trying to look anywhere but Equius, she looked around until her eyes rested on the fire still burning in the corner.

Then she found herself sobbing into Equius' shoulder.


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit goes down

She felt his hand rest gently on her head, and she buried her face into the folds of his shirt, clutching desperately at him as though she were drowning and he was a life raft.

_not smart enough to help him not strong enough to fight him not good enough to heal him_

Eventually the flood of tears stopped, and, sniffling, she pulled herself up and sat on the end of the sofa.

"So this time, you're not okay," he said.

She shook her head, gulping. "I'm fine."

He looked at her sadly. "Moirallegiance should be about both of us, not just me."

"Yeah, well-" she drew in a shaky breath and drew her legs up to her chest. "It is, isn't it?"

"No!" he said sharply. She jumped. "It's not! And it should be!"

_It doesn't need to be…_

"I-I just think you need more… from me…" she murmured.

He stood up, covering his face. Then he walked into the next room.

_what?_

Left exhausted by her tears, she curled on the couch with her chin on the arm, waiting for him to come back. But when he didn't reappear, she stood and went to get him.

He was sitting in the corner of her bedroom, head in his arms. When she entered, he looked up from the shadows, looking weary.

Neither moved, not willing to break eye contact. She shifted uneasily, silently begging him to break the silence.

With a sigh, he stood, guiding her back to the sofa. Then, when they had both plopped down, he folded his arms and said, "Do you want to know why I was away?"

Nepeta shook her head. _I don't really care anymore._

"That's what I thought. It didn't really matter anyway."

She looked away, wishing she could just be alone. His eyes went down, studying the rocky floor of her cave as though he was finding the most interesting story there. After a short period of quiet, she looked back up to see he was staring at her.

"I think… this needs to end now," he said.

_Wh-what?_

"What are you talking about?" Her voice trembled slightly.

He looked away again, swallowing. Then it clicked.

_W- no!_

"You want to-" She had to stop as her chest began to ache.

"You want to end our moirallegiance?"

"I think it would be best… for you," he muttered, still not looking at her.

She stood, not sure whether to run away or stay there and cry.

Instead, she turned away and began to walk towards her respiteblock. She slumped down at her computer, and even though Terezi's profile was blinking relentlessly at her, she couldn't seem to pull herself together enough to reply.

A while later, she heard him enter the block. She couldn't convince herself that it was worth it to look back at him.

"I'll sleep on the floor," she heard him say. Not moving, she listened as he crossed back and forth, tidying the floor obsessively. Then she went to her recuperacoon, trying not to look at him. She felt his gaze on her as she climbed into the warm sopor and curled into a ball. She wasn't sure the slime would keep away the nightmares this time.

It took her a long time to fall asleep.


	8. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnnnngUYS you're all so nice and wonderful  
> Thank you for the wonderful comments and things!  
> On another note, whenever I type <strong> I have to resist the urge to put it in all caps  
> I think there's something wrong with me

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling centaursTesticle [CG] \-- 

GA: Have You Done It Yet

CT: D--> I'm not in the mood to put up with your meddling

GA: I Will Assume That Means Yes

GA: How Did She React

CT: D--> Go away

CT: D--> Why do you always think it's necessary to interfere with our relationships

CT: D--> Do you realize you aren't actually helping anybody

CT: D--> Least of all her

GA: I Am Simply Trying To Make Use Of The Infinite Time We Have In This Dream Bubble

CT: D--> You want us to e%periment with relationships for your petty interests

GA: I Told You Not To Do It

GA: It Would Be More Upsetting Than Your Moirallegiance Ever Was

GA: You Agreed With Me Remember

GA: But I Suppose You Took Matters Into Your Own Hands

CT: D--> She won't talk to me

GA: Have You Actually Attempted To Initiate Conversation

CT: D--> Uh

GA: Perhaps She Doesnt Know What To Say

GA: You Should Try Talking To Her

CT: D--> No

CT: D- Whenever I talk to people it ends badly

GA: Really

GA: I Dont Think That's True

CT: D--> Stop talking to me

GA: Your Moirallegiance Is Necessary

GA: You Were Much Better Tempered When She Was Around

GA: I Think She Enjoyed Psychiatry

GA: She Was Certainly Much Better At It Than I Was

CT: D--> That was an order

CT: D--> Don't talk to me

GA: I Think You Need To Consider What I'm Saying

GA: You Didnt Order People Around Nearly As Much When She Was Your Moirail

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

AA: your moirail was talking to me earlier

AA: she was very upset

AA: i think you should talk to her

CT: D--> Stop insisting on calling her my moirail

AA: is that what that is about

AA: did you really break up with her?

CT: D--> I told you

CT: D--> It's better for her

AA: is it?

CT: D--> Everyone keeps asking me that

CT: D--> It's making me agitated

AA: everything makes you agitated

AA: well

AA: not when your moirail was around

CT: D--> Stop trying to make me reconcile with her

CT: D--> It's not going to work

CT: D--> I did what was right

CT: D--> She doesn't have to worry about me

AA: whos going to protect her

CT: D--> I

CT: D--> Let's not talk about this

CT: D--> I already had this conversation

AA: oh my god how many people did you tell?

CT: D--> I might have asked some others for advice

AA: you cant just spread this all over!

AA: this is your and nepetas private conflict!

CT: D--> Kanaya seemed to be trustworthy

CT: D--> Was this a mistake

AA: oh

AA: well if she was the only one you told then no

CT: D--> Why are you getting so worked up about this

CT: D--> This is about Nepeta and me

CT: D--> Not you

AA: me

AA: getting worked up

AA: and if you didnt want me to interfere then why did you tell me

CT: D--> I

AA: i think you need to think about some things before you talk to me again

AA: im leaving

CT: D--> Wait

AA: bye

\-- apocalypseArisen[AA] has ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVEN'T UPDATED THIS IN FOREVER AND THEN I REALIZED I STILL HAVE A FUCKING CHAPTER WRITTEN I'M SO SORRY GUYS I THOUGHT I POSTED IT  
> so yes  
> here  
> I am going to start working on this again! yes. but watch out because school is long. like fourteen hours a day long. so it will take longer between updates.

When Nepeta woke up, she knew he was gone from the hive. She could feel his absence as tangibly as though it was a cold breeze. Her heart didn’t ache anymore. Instead she felt emotionless. She silently got up to make herself some tea, only bothering to get one mug from the cupboard. When she had finished steeping the tea leaves, she sat blankly at the computer, gripping the cup in an attempt to keep her hands warm. Nobody seemed to be bothering her-- which was strange. She had a vague memory of someone’s name blinking yellow at her last night, but that didn’t really matter anymore.

She stood, puzzling over him. But her thoughts were murky and undefinable. After a while she moved an arm and realized she had been standing in the same place in front of her computer, not moving. She looked over to her computer and realized that Equius’ screen name was flashing on the screen.

Oh no...

\-- centaursTesticle  [CT] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

CT: D--> Nepeta

CT: D--> Are you there

CT: D--> I just wanted to apologize for the abrupt way I cut off our relationship yesterday

CT: D--> I understand I was being abrupt

CT: D--> Please reply

CT: D--> I promise I did this for your own good

CT: D--> I don’t want you to suffer anymore

CT: D--> I come on much too STRONG for you

CT: D--> I’m afraid you may not be able to handle our moirallegiance

CT: D--> That is the only reason

CT: D--> I promise

CT: D--> Uh

CT: D--> I think 

CT: D--> That’s all I have to say

CT: D--> I still think I can figure this out myself

CT: D--> But thank you

CT: D--> Er

CT: D--> Goodbye

\-- centaursTesticle [CT]  ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

AC: :33< i dont think youve made a very wise choice

AC: :33< but youll have to figure that out for yourself

AC: :33< dont worry

AC: :33< its hard but i know you can do this with or without me

\-- arsenicCatnip  [AC]  ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

She sank down until her head was resting in the crooks of her crossed elbows. Then she stared up at the screen, considering.

Maybe it was good to have some time to herself. She could focus on her drawing, her shipping, her roleplaying. Maybe he could do with a bit of privacy, too. Maybe without as much stimulation around him, he could focus on being calm and collected...

His tag began to blink again and, hardly able to believe his inability to actually leave, she slowly moved the mouse and clicked on it to open the chat window.

\-- centaursTesticle  [CT] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]\--

CT: D--> Are you there

AC: :33< yes

CT: D--> Oh

CT: D--> Uh

CT: D--> I wasn’t e%actly sure what I was going to say

AC: :33< why did you have to start talking to me again i thought we ended our moirallegiance

CT: D--> I

CT: D--> I didn’t think this meant we weren’t allowed to talk

AC: :33< equius i really think that if you did this so that i could MENTALLY RECOFUR or something then we both need a break from each other for a while

CT: D--> Oh

CT: D--> Okay

CT: D--> Well then

CT: D--> I’ll see you

CT: D--> Whenever I see you

CT: D--> I guess

\-- arsenicCatnip  [AC]  ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT] \--

CT: D--> Oh

CT: D--> Fiddlesti%

  


Nepeta sighed and straightened her back. He hated it when she slouched. Then she shook her head-- she didn’t have to worry about what he hated anymore! She could make a mess of her block-- she could sing her favorite songs in an atonal screech-- she could smash teacups and climb boulders and drink tea in the moonlight-- she could-

Suddenly, shadows fell across the cave doorway. She heard the rustling of the leaves and various animals go quiet.

_Does this mean dreamers are passing through?_

Nepeta rushed to the doorway, hoping the sun had dimmed slightly. Luckily, the days seemed to be getting shorter as the moons reached the peak of their bilunar cycles.

She looked towards what seemed to be the source of the rumbling. She could already see clouds gathering right above the clearing that was just to the left of her cave.

Then she started to run. The prospect of seeing some of the friends she’d left behind at her death- Karkat, Aradia, even Vriska- was just too exciting. Her feet flew and her waistcoat flapped in her wake as she dashed towards the spot where her friends were about to show up.

When she arrived just underneath the darkest parts of the sky, she met up with Terezi, who seemed to have also run, and Kanaya, who didn’t seem to be out of breath at all.

“Just... so bored on this... stupid bubble... can’t wait to see... others...” Terezi gasped, leaning over to catch her breath.

Nepeta looked back at the sky, holding down her hat as the wind kicked up and tried to sweep it away from her.

Then the sky turned black and, with a loud roar, spit out the shapes of several trolls into the bushes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuckign formatting


	10. ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ggggggguSY

“Ow! Do these stupid dream bubbles have to drop us on our asses every single time we enter like its kicking us out of our-” Pausing from rubbing his head, Karkat looked up at the three girls standing over him and frowned.  
“What are you looking at?”  
“Nice to see you too,” Terezi smirked, grabbing his hand and pulling him up out of the bush. He wobbled from her overzealous yank, massaging his shoulder, and glared at her, Kanaya, and Nepeta, frowning.  
“So... you’re all dead?”  
A sigh from Kanaya. “Obviously.”  
“Along with Tavros, Sollux, Equius, Eridan, and Feferi,” Terezi muttered, taking off her glasses and pretending to examine them, which was kind of pointless, Nepeta thought.  
“How’d they all die?” He was getting a bit too curious. It’s a bit of a touchy subject.  
“Well-” Terezi had put her glasses back on, and now she grabbed the neck of her shirt and lowered it slightly so that they all could see the blue marks around her neck. “I was hanged.”  
“That’s sick,” he murmured under his breath. Nepeta wasn’t sure if he had meant them to hear that.  
“It was Gamzee,” Kanaya said. Karkat looked up, seeming surprised at her voice. For a moment he seemed frozen, hovering on the brink of shock and acceptance. Then he settled firmly into acceptance, rolling his eyes. “Of course it was. It’s always Gamzee. What else is fucking new?”  
There was an awkward pause, Kanaya trying to discreetly lean over and see who else had come with the meteor, Nepeta still staring at the sky, Terezi trying to stare at Karkat but actually looking just to the right of him instead.  
“You and Equius both died,” he said softly, and Nepeta realized he was talking to her.  
“Gamzee got to both of you... before I could stop him,” he continued. Nepeta tried to meet his eyes, but he dodged her gaze. “Aradia exploded and then went god tier. And Sollux died- I think one-and-a-half times? Vriska was killed by Terezi-”  
“What?” Terezi interrupted.  
“Shh! Do you want to hear this or not?” he snapped.  
“Kanaya and Terezi are both alive- well, Kanaya is sort of un-”  
One side of Kanaya’s mouth lifted as she listened. Then she gestured to the scarf still wrapped around her stomach.  
“Yeah,” Karkat said, his eyes falling on the jade-colored patch that still stained the cloth. He swallowed and looked away.  
 _He’s a lot worse at being an ass than he was over chat_ , she thought, trying to suppress a smile as she watched him. He crossed his arms as a set of horns popped up from a bush. Then Kanaya poked her head out from the bush.  
“Oh!” gasped the Kanaya who was standing next to Nepeta, and involuntarily took a step back.  
Almost identical but for the fact that the alive Kanaya wasn’t glowing, the dopplegangers stared at each other as Terezi’s grin widened.  
“And then there were two,” she snickered. The glowing Kanaya shot a glance at her, then took her other self by the arm and guided her away. Nepeta heard muffled talking as they walked away, probably harsh questions about the others.  
Another head appeared in the bushes, and this time, Terezi gasped as her own self stood, groaning and adjusting her glasses. She leaned over to Nepeta, who was staring at her other self.  
“Tell me if I’m wrong- but is that... me?” she whispered. Nepeta nodded and looked back over to where their living friends stood. The other Terezi seemed to be confirming the same thing with Karkat, and when they had finished whispering to each other, she slowly looked up.  
“So, you’re dead,” she said.  
“So, you’re alive,” Nepeta’s Terezi replied.  
“Wow. Huh,” they chorused. Then they started giggling.  
“Oh boy, you have got to show me around.”  
“Duh! What else is there to do?”  
Their voices slowly faded, and soon Nepeta and Karkat were the only ones left. With nothing else to do, she settled on staring into the bushes as though someone else would pop out and save her.  
“So... who else died?” He wasn’t looking at her as he asked it. In fact, he seemed to be peering over her shoulder, searching for someone else.  
“Well... pretty much everyone,” she replied. “I think the only ones who aren’t here in this dream bubble are you, Aradia, and- well, Gamzee,” she finished, voice dropping.  
“Oh.” He sounded less brash than usual, still trying to avoid her eyes. There was more silence as Nepeta wondered whether Gamzee was here. What would happen if he showed up?  
Karkat was looking around at the scenery. It just so happened that the place they were standing was a convergence of her memories of the place where her hive had been on Alternia, along with the Land of Little Cubes and Tea. The shrubs and tall foresty trees of her home diminished from tall, flowing greenery to stunted, half-grown bushes, and the wild grasses grew jagged and pale. Giant teapots dotted the land that Hivebent had created, some of them tall enough to just brush the feathery clouds. The sky smoothly blended from a deep indigo to a yellow-orange. In the distance, they could just see a dark green island poking out of deep blue waters.  
“That’s Kanaya’s land,” she said, involuntarily shattering the quiet.  
He finally looked at her, but looked away again a second later. Again their gaze fell over the landscape of the dream bubble.  
“How did this timeline end up?” he asked.  
“Gamzee just ended up killing everybody.” She shrugged as she said it, trying not to upset him. He seemed okay though. She wondered how many of these dream bubbles he’d been through before.  
“Huh,” he said, and turned his head away. Only then did she realize that he thought their deaths had occurred because he hadn’t made it to Gamzee in time.  
“It wasn’t your fault,” she said, almost involuntarily. He turned to her with surprise. “What?”  
“That we died. It wasn’t your fault.”  
His sigh was rough, exhausted, as though he had already heard it countless times. He brought his knees up to his chest and hugged his legs. She tried not to look at him, conscious of the heat in her cheeks.  
There was a tense period where neither of them spoke, both aware that saying anything wrong could shatter their fragile, unspoken bond.  
“What’s it like in a dream bubble?” His voice was quieter and less demanding than she had ever heard it before.  
“Well...” She tried to recall what it had felt like when she first entered the bubble.  
“First you can’t remember anything. Not about the game, at least. It’s like... it was like when I was younger, and I was back at my hive, with my lusus. But for whatever reason... Kanaya was there. Then she talked to me a lot about what had happened. It helped me remember.”  
She could clearly picture it now, being in the hive as it slowly shifted around her.  
“Then the hive started to change. It turned into my land! Suddenly I could remember the game, and the imps, and dreaming on Derse. Kanaya told me that all of my memories were being added to the bubble.” She pointed back towards her hive. “See? That’s where I lived. And then Equius showed up and we had a long feelings jam about our death and other sad things like that.”  
Karkat was silent as he digested her words. Finally he turned to her. “Speaking of him... where is your palefriend?” Then he drew his shoulders up. “Not like I care about that caste-loving asshole.”  
Surprised that he would ask that, she stammered for a minute. She could feel her heart begin to beat harder behind her ribcage as she tried to keep tears from welling in her eyes.  
“He kind of... didn’t want to be my moirail anymore?” The statement was a mix of answer and question, as she struggled to keep her voice from cracking.  
“What?” She could feel him puffing up, indignation making his shoulders expand and back straighten.  
“Well, he just-”  
“What an absolute asshole! Where does he get off thinking he can break up with you? What’s his problem? You see, this is why I told you being his moirail is a terrible idea. That caste-worshiping, slime-filled fuckface.” She could tell he was about to go off on one of his rants. He’d never liked Equius, had he? Oh no, now she’d gotten him involved in their conflicts...  
“Karkat.” She put a hand on his shoulder and he reluctantly fell silent, seething. “It isn’t like that at all, silly!” she said, trying to keep her tone upbeat. After all, she was supposed to be happy about her newfound freedom!  
“I don’t care what it’s like. Doesn’t he know that moirallegiance is fucking important for you? You love wasting your time dissecting his messed-up emotions, and if he wants you to be happy-”  
“Oh my god, Karkat! Shut up!” she snapped finally, and roughly pushed him away. He turned sharply to her, and she scowled at him before realizing their faces were just inches apart. She clenched her fists and put a hand on the ground to steady herself, unwilling to back away.  
Does he realize that when he tries to help people, he just ends up annoying them? It wasn’t entirely true- she knew he truly cared under his rough exterior and that their friends knew they could trust him. But she was just so- frustrated! She struggled not to start yelling in his face, aware that she was taking out her anger on him.  
He looked away, face crinkling. Then he turned around, his hunched shoulders making him look tired and old.  
“I-I’m sorry,” she stammered, getting on her knees and placing a hand on his shoulder. He shrugged her off, making a hurt noise.  
“L-look, Karkat- I’m not usually-”  
“I know.” He didn’t move. “You’re acting weird. I bet it’s this bullshit with your stupid ex.”  
Not knowing what to say, she took her hand away from his back and sat back on her heels, feeling uncomfortable.  
“You know, I think something’s the matter.”  
“Well...” Duh!  
“No, no, I mean something other than your breakup. Something else is wrong. You’re usually really sweet and nice and friendly and you’re careful about everybody’s feelings.”  
She felt her face heat up and had to resist the urge to roll around on the ground.  
“Thanks,” she squeaked, and slapped a hand over her mouth. _I sound so stupid!_ Suddenly all the hours she had spent drawing on her shipping wall came back to her and knew that her cheeks were flushed. Praying he didn’t turn and look at her, she tried to relax. As he began to turn, she panicked, trying to scramble away, but he stopped her by putting a hand on hers.  
“I- um,” he said, and then cleared his throat. She tried to focus on his words instead of the fact that his hand was warm, comforting, barely bigger than hers-  
“We found your... shipping wall,” he said, glancing nervously at her.  
 _WHAT?_  
She felt her entire body stiffen in response to those fatal words. Karkat looked like he was prepared to jump away from her.  
“U-uh...” He stammered when he was nervous-- Nepeta noticed this through the white edges around her vision. Then she berated herself inwardly. _You’re supposed to be angry, dummy!_  
“Did you... er, like it?” she asked, and had to suppress the mighty urge to slap herself.  
“Uh...” He avoided her eyes, and she forced herself to stay sitting. This might be the last living person she saw in a long time.  
“I’ve been meaning to tell you about-” she began, but he shushed her.  
“Actually, I kind of knew... for a while.”  
“See- what?”  
“You weren’t exactly... good at hiding it.” He gulped as she stared at him disbelievingly. Then she stood up, reeling away from him. She wanted nothing more than to disappear then, for good. Startled by her sudden motion, Karkat lunged forward, trying to grab her hand, but only ended up falling on his face. She leapt to the side as his hand clawed uselessly at the ground, backing into a tree.  
“Nepeta- wait- fuck...” he said, lifting his face from the ground. Scowling as he wiped his hands on his pants, he picked himself up off the ground as she pressed herself against the tree, trying to keep back tears.  
“Look, Nepeta, I don’t know if I can say- I don’t know if I can return those... feelings,” he began, approaching her. She looked away, ears burning, but he turned her gently by her shoulders and she reluctantly faced him.  
“But I’ll always consider you a friend, okay? You were one of the sweetest and smartest and least insane of us. Like, even Kanaya eventually went batshit crazy. But you were always talking to people and being all conciliatory and calming them down. Kind of like the opposite of me. And you always listened to people’s problems, and you never really got a chance to talk about your own. And you know... I’m kind of a fucking idiot to not have talked to you about that stupid crush or whatever. I was always hiding from that and avoiding you because I was afraid I felt the same way. That was stupid of me... okay?”  
Laughing shakily at his rambling, she wiped her eyes. He knit his eyebrows, frowning at her, and then reluctantly held out his arms. As she hesitated, sniffling, he rolled his eyes dramatically and moved forward to embrace her. Smiling, she hugged him back, and they stood for a while, her chin resting on his shoulder. She was well aware of his hand on her back as she closed her eyes, letting her breathing slow. Finally, for the first time since she had joined the dream bubble, she felt calm. Sometimes you just need a hug from someone crabby, judgemental, and only willing to show affection when someone needs it most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gigigigigigigapause


	11. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I STG I HAVE HAD THIS CHAPTER WRITTEN SINCE OCTOBER AND I COULD HAVE SWORN I PUBLISHED IT I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY YOU GUYS

“What’s going on here?”  
The voice caused them to jerk apart, Nepeta accidentally jabbing him with her elbow. He immediately jumped to defensive posture. The bushes seemed to be still, but there could be something behind them...  
“Oh, maaaaaaaan, are you two suckers,” crowed the voice behind them. Both of them spun around, Nepeta nearly falling over.  
“Come on, you guys! Don’t act like you didn’t think I was coming to see what all the hubbub was about. Who else’s here?”  
Karkat stared at her, seeming to be frozen. Nepeta sighed as Vriska approached him, studying him from all angles, and then looking away with a disdainful flip of her hair.  
“Come on, come on. What’s the scoop? Are you guys matesprits yet?”  
When there was no reply, she leaned against the tree, rolling her eyes. “Aw, guys. Indulge me a bit. Tell me the story. What’s up with Equius? Gamzee? Terezi?”  
“Oh my god. Can’t we get any privacy here?” Karkat spat. He was tense next to her and Nepeta could feel that he was prepared to overreact.  
“Awww, Karkles. Come on, spill the beans a little. How does Terezi feel about this newfound matespritship?”  
Karkat’s reaction was predictably explosive. He planted himself in front of Vriska’s smirking frame with clenched fists.  
“Well excuse me for comforting a friend who’s having romantic issues. I should ask you what the hell you’re doing here, since you clearly have nothing to do but pry. That’s all you ever do, isn’t it? Pry, pry, pry! You just want to know everything about everyone so you can get them to do what you want! Then you ask me about Terezi, when obviously we’ve had problems with each other, even when you were alive! Speaking of _your death_ , do you know what? You know when the last time I saw you was?” Vriska leaned backwards as Karkat stepped aggressively towards her, his short height made up for by his fiery rage.  
“The last time I saw you, you were dead!” he yelled. Vriska crossed her arms suspiciously.  
“That’s right! The last time I saw your spindly spider body, it was covered in your shitty blue blood and and there was a gaping hole in it, and Terezi had just finished stabbing you in the back. And you come up and start asking me about my quadrants!”  
“Terezi?” she spat disdainfully. “I was killed by _her_?”  
“Yeah, and it was pretty awful, too! She stabbed you and you went all limp and bloody and everything was covered in blue. But you lived for a long time- well, it seemed like a long fucking time to us, and you just kneeled there, with this idiotic shocked expression on your face. And then Gamzee came along and did his stupid honking thing.” His voice was rising into hysterics. Nepeta backed away, almost able to feel the tremor in the air around him.  
“Everyone’s always dying,” she spat. “That’s part of the game.”  
Karkat grabbed her and shoved her roughly into a bush. “Do you realize what an asshole you’re being? This is the first time I’ve seen you since I was sitting next to your dead body and trying to keep Gamzee from killing everybody on that stupid meteor! Have you ever thought about anybody but yourself?”  
She met Nepeta's eyes as she stood slowly, brushing off her shirt. “Look, calm down, okay?” she said. Karkat started to confront her, opening his mouth to argue, but Nepeta grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back. She held him there until his shoulders went limp and he ducked his head.  
“Karkat... I never thought of that kind of stuff, okay? I don’t know how the alpha timeline went. I- uh... I’m sorry. All right?” She held out a conciliatory hand. He looked away, scowling. Nepeta rolled her eyes.  
“Karkat, shake hands with her.”  
Glaring at her, he held out his hand and let Vriska grab it. Then he went and sat by himself under a tree.  
Giving each other sarcastic looks, Vriska and Nepeta joined him, one on either side of him. He didn’t look around as they seated themselves, instead drawing his legs in and giving a huff of chagrin.  
"Tell her what happened in the alpha timeline," Nepeta told him. He shot a glance at her, looking slightly weirded out. She wasn't sure why, but resolved to question him later as he rolled his eyes grumpily and turned to Vriska.  
"All right. I guess it all started with that fucking seadweller..."  
The chirping of the various fowl in the trees and gentle lapping of Kanaya’s ocean carried Nepeta’s thoughts high off the ground and into the pinkish clouds. A couple of nut creatures scurried up a tree, and she watched them absently. Settling deeply into her thoughts, she began to contemplate her friends relationships as a way to pass the time while a disgruntled Karkat repeated their conversation to Vriska. The lull of their voices washed over her. Suddenly she realized just how exhausted she was. She hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in over two days, and it had definitely taken a toll on her. She closed her eyes, slumping against a tree, and let her thoughts merge with each other and fade out. Drifting gently off, letting the dull murmur of the bubble soothe her, she barely noticed the loud voices slowly approaching her. Then the vague noise turned into recognizable words. She sat up and opened her eyes, looking around for the source.  
“Do you even consider that you aren’t the best or the strongest one out there? And there are people out there that are hurt by you and your egotism?”  
“I’m not egotistical. Of course I’ve considered it.”  
“Well, why don’t you take that consideration out of your ass and learn to respect everyone as your equal?”  
As the bickering grew closer, Nepeta was able to distinguish the familiar voices of Aradia and Equius, in the middle of one of their famous debates.  
“Aradia, when will you learn that the hemospectrum is the only-”  
“The hemospectrum is so stupid! Why don’t you realize th-”  
“The caste system is incredibly im-”  
“No! It’s really not! It’s really old-fashioned, and it’s not even a good idea in principle!”  
“You’re just angry, and saying things you don’t believe.”  
“And you’re stupid!”  
“Aradia, you are being irrational-”  
“Your face is irrational!”   
“Calm yourse-”  
“No!”  
As Nepeta watched, the bushes rustled and shook and finally spit out the short, soft frame of Aradia. She stomped angrily towards Nepeta, not seeming to see her. Equius’ slightly more spindly frame followed shortly after. His cheeks were flushed hot as they usually were when he argued with her, a slight grimace on his face as he tripped over a trailing branch in an effort to catch up with her. Aradia swept past Nepeta, Vriska, and Karkat, not even glancing towards them as she talked loudly at the trees. She was wearing bright red robes, somehow noble even in her anger. Her chest was marked with a slightly lighter red emblem, the symbol of a gear.  
“I don’t think you even really follow the caste system like you say you do. If you love the hemospectrum so much, why were you so desperate to be my matesprit? Why did you put a chip in that ridiculous robot you made me if you really think you can only be with bluebloods? You know that there are people who are stronger and more capable than you who have lower blood than you, and you’re just lying to yourself like you always have been!”  
As she went on, Equius backed sheepishly into the foliage, the heat on his cheeks spreading to his ears. “You should learn not to question my beliefs,” he said faintly. Aradia looked back at him, and then turned to face him, crossing her arms. “Oh my god, Equius.”  
“Wh-what,” he mumbled, sinking further into the leaves as she approached him viciously.  
“I forgot. You like it when I get mad, don’t you? You totally get off on this, when I undermine you and “overstep my boundaries”. You think it’s-”  
“We need to stop talking about this...” he muttered, pushing past her. Nepeta shrank away, hoping he didn’t see her.   
“Fine, we can talk later. Just like we always do! You’re so ridiculous! Why do you avoid everything so much?” She was deliberately trying to make him mad, Nepeta could just see it. And it was working, wasn’t it? His fists were balled and perspiration glistened on his forehead. As Aradia stalked past him, looking indignant, he fixed his eyes on the trees ahead of him and sighed shakily. Nepeta tried to get up and walk away quietly, but there was a rustle and Karkat stood next to her. She sank back down. She wasn’t going anywhere with him there.  
“Excuse me. I’m looking for the only asshole who has the gall to break up with the nicest moirail in the bubble. Have you seen him? He looks exactly like you. Oh, wait. It seems that he is you! What an amazing coincidence.” He grabbed Equius’ shirt. “Now listen here, shitface. I’m gonna give you something to think about, and if you even dare interrupt me to punch my brains out or something equally violent and douchey, I swear-”   
He trailed off as Equius’ eyes wandered away from him and towards Nepeta, who was twisting her hair frantically in her fingers. She looked up, giving a little wave. Then she ducked her head. _Stupid, you’re supposed to act cold and unforgiving!_  
Then Equius’ eyes snapped back to Karkat as he jabbed a finger into his chest. “Listen here. You are a decaying pile of garbage. Moirallegiance is-”   
He grabbed Nepeta’s hand and yanked her up. She gasped involuntarily as he jerked the barely healed place where Gamzee has broken her wrist just before her death. At the noise, Karkat stopped talking and looked around at her, frowning. She saw Equius’ eyes flicker towards her at the sound and shook her head violently as he opened his mouth to say something.   
Karkat, dismissing the action, pulled them to face each other. Nepeta stumbled against Equius as Karkat started up his raving again.  
“Look at me, you asslicking pile of vacuum fuzz. If you don’t shape your shit up and start getting in touch with yourself and your moirail, we’re gonna have some serious problems. And by serious, I mean me jumping off a cliff into a sea of sweaty incompetent musclebeasts and being trampled to death by a thousand socially awkward hooves. Watching you try to keep your quadrants together is like seeing an obscenely fat guy trying to pick up a coin off the ground and missing because his limbs are literally filled with slime and grubsauce. I’m not your auspistice, okay? Take care of your own damn problems.”  
Nepeta tried to twist to avoid the sharp splinters of pain running through her arm, and Equius’ fists clenched as she squirmed, trying to free her arm from Karkat’s grasp. Vriska, leaning against the bark of one of the trees, rolled her eyes sympathetically at her. “Come on, Karkles. Give him a break.”  
“I will fucking not!” he shouted. Nepeta winced again as he pulled her closer to Equius, until they were almost touching. Then Karkat pulled his hand away from Equius sharply.  
“Oh my god. Do you have to sweat on everything?” He wiped his palm on his shirt. His other hand tightened around Nepeta’s wrist once more, and she exclaimed sharply and tried to wiggle out of his grip. Equius stiffened, eyes snapping towards him. Karkat scowled defensively. “What? What did I do now?”  
“Karkat, please let go,” she said, her voice higher in pitch than she had intended.   
He glared at her. “Not until your asshat moirail apologizes to you one and for all.”  
“Stop it! You’re hurting m-” She was cut off abruptly as Equius lunged towards him, taking a swipe at his arm. Karkat jerked back, avoiding the punch by a hair. “Woah! Okay, I get it. Calm d-” He ducked, and a fist passed over his head. Swinging wildly as he approached, Equius bared his teeth.   
“She asked you to stop.” His voice shook, and Nepeta looked frantically back and forth between them, frozen to the spot. Vriska’s eyes were wide as she watched the three, no longer looking relaxed and casual.   
Karkat avoided each of Equius’ enraged swings, backing up step by step towards the bushes. “Hey! Stop! You’re gonna hurt me!”   
Nepeta watched as each sentence he stammered brought him closer to the edge of the glade. Then his heel found a trailing branch and he fell backwards onto his hands, letting out a surprised _oof_. Equius slowly approached, regarding him with disgust.  
 _Come on. Stop him! Just move your legs. Lift your foot. Bend your knees. Anything!_ But she found herself unable to move a single muscle, not even capable of blinking.  
Equius had Karkat by the collar of his sweater. He drew a furious fist back, and suddenly Nepeta found herself being propelled towards the pair by her finally unstuck legs. She ran towards them desperately, trying to call out to him but feeling her voice betray her just as her legs just had.  
But it didn’t matter. Just as he attacked as she had seen him do so many times with his robots, Karkat and Vriska both let out a gasp, as though they had been stabbed in the back. Seconds later they dissolved into mist, leaving the clearing quiet and free of clouds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GODD AMMI T


	12. twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yess i am SO SORRY YOU GUYS I promise I have not abandoned this fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck me. , , fuck this formatting . , ,,,,,,,, , ,. . fuck my slow computer that isn't letting me fix the dialogue ,. , ,,. fuck the fucking less than sign

\-- arsenicCatnip  [AC] started trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA] \--  
AC: :33 < kanaya?  
AC: :33 < are you there?  
AC: :33 < i n33d some advice  
GA: Yes  
GA: Is This Something To Do With Your Ex Moirail  
AC: :33 < yes  
AC: :33 < how did you know we broke up?  
AC: :33 < have i b33n acting differently?  
GA: Considering That You Missed The Opportunity To Make A Cat Pun There I Would Say That You Have  
GA: But I Also Knew Before We Saw Each Other  
AC: :33 < wait, did he tell you?  
AC: :33 < did you know he was going to leave befur he told me?  
GA: He Asked Me For Advice   
GA: Im Sorry I Didnt Tell You Earlier  
GA: I Thought It Would Be Better For Him To Handle It Himself  
AC: :33 < its okay i guess  
AC: :33 < i understand, it was probably a purrsonal conversation and it was a tough decision you helped him through!  
AC: :33 < you are very wise  
GA: You Think Im Wise  
AC: :33 < im mostly worried about him!  
AC: :33 < a meowrail is supposed to take care of their purrtner and make sure they dont get into mischief!  
AC: :33 < and lately equius has b33n really  
AC: :33 < mischievous :((  
AC: :33 < he just cant control himself the way he used to!  
AC: :33 < i think it has something to do with us dying  
AC: :33 < maybe hes just angry about not being alive anymore  
GA: I Dont Think He Is Upset About Being Dead  
GA: None Of Us Are  
GA: We Have Accepted That We Are Not The Alpha Timeline  
GA: Even Before We Died We Knew That We Were A Doomed Timeline Instead  
GA: He Never Seemed The Type To Be Angry At Something He Couldnt Help  
AC: :33 < hmm  
AC: :33 < i guess so!  
AC: :33 < whenever equius gets really mad it is usually about something he blames on himself  
AC: :33 < sometimes its over the silliest things!  
AC: :33 < like breaking glasses of milk. he must have thousands of those things!  
AC: :33 < h33 h33  
AC: :33 < siiiigh  
AC: :33 < i am just worried for him  
AC: :33 < lately he has just b33n blaming efurrything on himself  
GA: I Am Familiar With Those Feelings  
GA: They Come Up Frequently In Pairs That I Help With  
GA: Or Maybe ‘Meddle With’  
GA: Lots Of Our Friends Tend To Feel That Way  
GA: However Not Many React Quite As Explosively  
GA: He Truly Is A Very Odd Troll  
AC: :33 < i guess so  
GA: Is There Something In Particular That You Think Could Have Caused Him To Become So Temperamental  
AC: :33 < i dont think so  
AC: :33 < ugh! i hope this doesnt become normal  
GA: What  
AC: :33 < this counseling thing!  
AC: :33 < it f33ls too much like you are mediating betw33n us  
AC: :33 < like our relationship has gone from pale to black!  
GA: Im Not Trying To Be Your Auspistice  
AC: :33 < i dont want to worry about this, it is too stressful and pawful  
AC: :33 < i just want to help him, and talk to our furiends and roleplay and paint and do all the fun things we used to do befur  
GA: You Might Just Need To Give Him Space  
GA: Worry About Yourself And Let Him Try To Work Things Out On His Own  
AC: :33 < but  
AC: :33 < i cant :((  
GA: I Dont Know What Went Wrong With Your Moirallegiance  
GA: At The Center Of Everything Changing There Was Always You Two  
AC: :33 < yeah  
GA: You Were Like The Brick Of Our Odd Little Group  
GA: This Constant Pair That Was Always There  
GA: That Rhyme Was Unintentional  
AC: :33 < im sorry   
AC: :33 < i think its probably because of me  
AC: :33 < i used to not have purroblems with him at all! i just felt like it was the right thing to do  
AC: :33 < making sure he couldn’t hurt himself  
AC: :33 < or anyone else :((  
AC: :33 < but as time went on i just got so furstrated  
AC: :33 < and selfish  
AC: :33 < i felt like he wasnt giving me anything back  
AC: :33 < he always talked about “purrtecting me” with his “e%cellent b100b100d strength”, and i dont know if he ever realized that i can take care of myself just fine!  
GA: Is It Possible That You Resented Him  
AC: :33 < no! i could nefur do that  
GA: It Sounds As Though You Wanted Your Relationship To Be More Balanced  
GA: When I Was Talking With My Alpha Timeline Self She Told Me Your Relationship Was Much More Stable  
GA: You Were Much More Independent And He Realized How Possessive He Was Being  
GA: And Even Agreed To Roleplay With You Sometimes Which Is Probably The Biggest Difference  
AC: :33 < h33 h33  
GA: I Believe Something Much Deeper Went Wrong Within Our Timeline  
GA: Something That Stirred Deep Feelings Of Resentment Between Us  
GA: Even The Closest Of Moirails  
AC: :33 < yeah  
AC: :33 < there really isnt anything right about the way i feel about him right now  
AC: :33 < i never used to get furstrated!  
AC: :33 < i used to be so patient and listen to everyone  
AC: :33 < even karcat with his long spiels about nothing  
GA: Do You Think The Others Might Suspect Something Too  
GA: Especially Feferi  
GA: Shall We Ask Them  
AC: :33 < sure i guess  
AC: :33 < i will open a bulletin for it  
GA: Thank You  
GA: Hopefully We Can Figure This Out  
GA: You Seem So Miserable  
\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC] \--  
Nepeta groaned, putting her head down on her desk. Poor Kanaya. Poor Equius. Poor everyone, having to deal with her and her grumpiness and the constantly invading something that had caused it all to happen. She buried her face in her elbows, running her fingers through her short hair in an attempt to make herself feel better. It didn’t work.  
Instead she pushed herself back up into a sitting position and opened Trollian again. A good amount of her friends were online, but she didn’t bother clicking their names. She clicked the button in the top corner that read Create New Bulletin.  
She had never done this before. The button blinked a few times before a new window opened up.  
Skipping the box that prompted her for a name- there was no use in honoring this conversation with one- she scrolled down to the part that showed the handles of her friends. It seemed that you could allow only certain people to view it. By default, the “All” box was checked. With a heavy heart and a deep sigh, she slowly unchecked the box that read “centaursTesticle”. After the way he’d lost control in the clearing earlier, she didn’t want to have to talk to him.  
A dialog box popped up- _Are you sure you would like to block centaursTesticle from viewing and replying to this memo?_  
The cursor hovers over the No option, but she couldn’t bring herself to click it. Frozen, in limbo between her comfort and his hurt, she watched as the cursor moved silently over the the next option.  
In a rush, she clicked Yes and turned her face from the computer as her eyes welled with tears. When did it get so bad, she wondered. What could cause her to want to avoid someone so desperately that she wouldn’t allow them even to talk to her? Especially Equius, who was so simple to talk to, so fun to tease, so easy to understand…  
Blinking back the tears, she faced the computer screen again. The words on the display were slightly blurred. She scrolled down again shakily. There was one more option.  
 _Which board do you want to post on?_  
What a trivial decision to make. Yet she found herself obsessing over it, scrolling down the list of past boards and carefully considering each one. Each one held something from their adventures. Back when everybody was still alive.  
Rainbow Rumpus Partytown… the name was based on that stupid passive-aggressive argument Karkat and Terezi had once, taking turns using their computer just to fight with each other. She smiled a bit at the memory, how she and Equius had discussed it with much snickering later on. There was that loud, obnoxious rant Karkat had posted about how HE was the leader, no questions. There was the one where he had panicked about talking to the humans, thinking that maybe it actually was a mistake to try and communicate with them when they were obviously so stupid they couldn’t even figure out how to use a computer without causing some world-ending scenario to come into play. There was the one Kanaya had created but immediately regretted as half the meteor started talking about her and Rose.  
And right at the bottom was the last board anyone had ever created when they were still alive, the one in which Karkat begged desperately for Gamzee and Eridan to spare their lives. She stared at it for a while before, against her better judgement, clicking on it.  
From what she understood, the memo of the alpha timeline had stayed about the same as this one. She supposed that while some timelines split off completely, others, like this one, remained clinging to the alpha, tattered and wavering in the winds of time, still intersecting with some of the various happenings that dotted paradox space. But of course, that was for Aradia to understand, not her. Too bad Aradia hadn’t died with them.  
That was kind of a mean thing to think.  
Her eyes fixed on Karkat’s angry gray text, she scrolled slowly down the memo. As she read, events flashed through her mind. She hadn’t been reading the memos when she died- she could remember that. She had been talking with Equius. Again.  
With a start, Nepeta closed out of the memo and started clicking through the other ones. What had she been doing while the others teased Kanaya? Sitting with Equius, discussing the shipping wall and trying to find a suitable shade for Rose’s pretty purple skirt. What had she done while Karkat panicked about aliens? Talked with Equius, trying to console him. What had she done while Karkat aggressively established his leadership? Spoken about it with Equius, reassuring him that Karkat (purrobably) knew what he was doing. And even when Terezi had recruited her to roleplay during Rainbow Rumpus Partytown as the fearsome pouncellor, what had she done first? Gone to Equius.  
Everything she’d done- every choice she made, every time she could do something freely- she took him into account, always thinking of him, always asking him first, always wanting to make sure he was okay. Everything she’d ever done was centered around her moirail and what he would do. And suddenly she felt that illusion that she had- of finally being free of him- shatter. Everything she’d done seemed tainted by his presence, his overwhelming thereness. The realization was deafening.  
She stared blankly at the computer screen. Was it that which killed the two of them? Her constant longing to care for him, such that it overtook the purpose of their relationship in the first place? It wasn’t for him to approve of her, was it? Had she been so busy caring for him that she forgot to care for herself?  
And, after all, did he return that? No, and why should he? While she was consumed with fixing him, he did what he wanted. He built his robots. He collected posters of gross musclebeasts. He got a girlfriend, for however brief their relationship might have been!  
Blinding anger shot through her. It wasn’t at him- oh, no! Not even after all this could she feel truly mad at him. It was herself, her own Heart, that she wanted to tear from herself and let fly. She knew the stories. Some doomed players grew far apart from their fraymotifs and let them dwindle to a single spark. And some let them grow unattended in their souls until they consumed them! Nepeta buried her head in her arms and let out a high-pitched growl, feeling dizzy.  
 _When did I let myself get so tangled up in us?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I try to work on toning down the drama a bit,.,., ., . , , i t doesn t w ork .,, ,\\\\\\\
> 
> I'm so tired of typing </span> OVER AND OVER AGAIN


	13. thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that Equius is kind of like the Hulk

_It’s there again- that familiar feeling, deep in your chest. First, there is white. Then, there is color. Too many colors, bathing the walls around you. White lights disappearing underneath the reds and blues and oranges. You look down and find that the color is yours, too. On your hands, her olive blood.  
There they are. The bodies. And there is hers, battered and broken, and no, it’s yours, and then it’s hers again. The blood. You can smell it. The voices- are they hers, or yours, or all of them, and those bodies aren’t bodies are they, no- they’re graves, and you can only rely on the shattered promises of a broken religion, and is that the smell of blood or broken promises, and will this endless stream of color ever end?_  
He jolted awake, breath hitching in his throat, cold chills running through his spine. The sky was colorless and dotted with white. For a moment he was nearly frozen, fists clenched at his sides, and then his muscles unknit and he slowly raised a hand to his face as though expecting it to be covered in blood. But the only color was the gray of his skin, and instantly he relaxed, hand flopping to the ground.   
Equius sat up, blinking rather more than was necessary, and grabbed at something that would allow him to get his bearings. Finally he managed to touch something cool and dry. It was his left hand that rested on it, and something on his palm began to sting.  
It was too dark and too confusing to go anywhere, so he resolved to figure out what was going on. What was he doing outside, next to this… what was it? A boulder? How had he gotten here, and why?  
He closed his eyes. Boulders… Nepeta. Right. He’d been coming to her hive. To apologize? To crawl back to her on hands and bleeding knees, to admit his mistakes and let her watch him with disdain? To beg her to take him back, to continue their feelings jam which he felt had been, unacceptably and irrevocably, unfinished.  
A breeze passed through the clearing and he shivered, half from the wind and half from the thoughts crowding out every rational idea in his mind. Panic was starting to settle inside. He could feel it somewhere in the back of his stomach, not quite in his spine but close enough to paralyze him, and externally too, as though something cold and slimy was pressing up against his back, and suddenly there was something behind his back, something dry and hard and wooden that had all the similarities to the root of a tree. Had it always been there? He closed his fist around it and tried to yank it out of the ground, but it didn’t budge, and he was confused and disoriented, because since when didn’t a tree obey him?  
Then he looked closer and no, it wasn’t a tree branch, was it, because it was red and moving and what was that burning sensation in his palm?  
With a strangled gasp, he let go of the... whatever it was, propelled himself away from it with barely-functioning legs, and twisted awkwardly as he backed into a tree. One (very tough-sounding) yelp later, he’d slipped, caught his ankle on something very big, and flipped onto his back.  
For a while he lay there, letting his breathing slow. All of the panicked thoughts in his head slowed down, and he could think in sentences again instead of endless sewn-together words.  
Ankle, back, and hand now all aching in different ways, he brushed some leaves out of his hair and scrambled to find his footing, ignoring the roots under his feet that gave him the urge to jump away whenever he touched them.  
He made his way through the woods, eyes slowly adjusting to the dark, leaves crackling mutedly under his feet. The bark of the trees was rough under his palm and he kept snatching it back, expecting that same burning sensation. The woods were deathly quiet, not even a single chirp ringing through the trees to indicate the presence of an insect. He wished desperately for her to be there with him, leading him through the trees with one finger pointed stubbornly at their destination, her laughter breaking the thinly held quiet of branches and muffled footsteps.  
The woods were starkly beautiful, and he felt chills run through his spine as he moved. The trees scattered shadows across the ground, lit by the twin moons that shone above them. These woods were where most of Nepeta’s hunting sessions had taken place, usually accompanied by her late lusus. She’d taken him on an expedition with her once, but apparently he’d scared away all the wildlife.  
Lost in his thoughts of Nepeta, he didn’t notice the sudden silence in the wood until something massive crashed through the foliage on his left and bowled him over. He landed on his back, the breath knocked out of him.  
Without thinking, he grabbed the arm of whatever it was and pulled towards the ground sharply, sending the thing rolling away from him with a growl. It stood up slowly.   
He stared at it, trying to figure out what it was. It was dripping, waxy, void-like. It bore a figure similar to a person’s, but larger, bulkier, and somehow empty. It didn’t seem to make any impression on the world around it; in fact, it appeared to have canceled out any sound whatsoever.   
Equius slowly rose, legs bent in a fighting stance. The creature turned to him. It had a malicious aura, one that seemed to wrap around him and snatch all the air from his lungs. He could feel every inch of reason being sucked out of his mind. And the air around them was still. He could hear nothing.  
 _Why is this happening to me? Am I insane?_ But before he could consider the answers, the thing attacked.   
It darted forward, aiming for his head. He dodged and grabbed its wrist, trying to twist it backwards, but it was as if the creature had no bones. It simply melted out of his grasp. He turned, trying to get his bearings, only to find his feet being swept out from under him.  
The ground was unforgiving, and he grunted as he hit it, hard. His opponent loomed over him. He could have sworn it was smiling.  
He scrambled backwards until he was backed up against the tree, unwilling to give in just yet. But it seemed unrelenting. It moved at lightning speed, darting forward to pin him against a tree. He struggled against it. It pressed its shadowy palm against his neck so he could barely summon the breath to grab at its arm, scrabbling at it with both hands. The creature looked at him, he could swear it even though it had no eyes. It looked deep into him and found what it wanted and made it grow and twisted it and there was that familiar feeling again, that knot between his stomach and the small of his back that meant-  
-that meant-  
He was beginning to lose air, but he was losing more than air as well. He was losing control as the blackness of unconsciousness crept up behind his eyes. He had to stay awake- he had to do it for her- he had to prove that he was more- He was going to-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HULK SMASH
> 
> did you guys know that I'm majoring in making things overly dramatic


End file.
